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Thursday, March 6, 2008

DIY Black Magic for the General Elections

You’re a big man, a G-man what’s more. The G-man of your area. But the general elections are coming up. Panic hour is coming this Saturday, 8th March. Will the people vote for you? Did you hired enough Mat Rempits carrying your party’s flag on their motorbikes? Maybe you ought to throw a last-minute open house party?

What about black magic?

Don’t be shy about using black magic during the upcoming elections. Lots of people are doing it all over the world.

Of course, that’s their magic. Maybe the system that works there won’t work here. After all, where can you find really fresh African crocodile dung? And what can be the correct substitute for Afghanistan opium powder?

Hey, come on, we got lots of tricks up our local sleeves. Just take a walk (discreetly) down to the local Tok-Bomoh/Dukun/Pawang office and ask for ‘special services’. Mayhap, there’s even one with a website!

But... you’ve never done this before. How can you tell if it works? To what extend do they offer? Are they even registered members of the Ikatan Bomoh Negara Sebelas Serangkai? Then again, maybe it’s better that they aren’t. You’re trying to win an election here, not empowering your manhood or looking for a new lady-bird (hint: take note for future references).

Of course, you can always try the underground market. Next to whatever exorbitant prices, you can’t really tell what they want in return. Or what might happened. Gosh, look at the old Mona Fandey case.

That is, if the bomohs’ stuff even works at all (hint: missing little girl).

Hey, is there a DIY manual you can use? Maybe you can try make some magic yourself! Anything goes in wooing voters, right? All’s fair in politics, right? If you get caught, you can just brush it off because nobody will ever believe black magic actually works, right?

Let’s just make some... just in case.

So! How do we start? Chants and incense? Séances? Odd bits and pieces? Surprisingly, yes-yes-and-yes. Just as every human have 5 extension to the body, get ready with 5 important points:
1. Your full name, including whatever nickname others used to address you.
2. What is it that you lack (in this case, possibility of losing your seat of power).
3. What is it that can aid you (in this case, get the mass public to vote for you).
4. What you stand to gain OTHER than your main goal (money? Influence? Downfall of your rival?)
5. Most importantly, the ‘true-name’ of the spirit you’re asking for help.

Okay, the fifth and last one is the tricky part. This is where most of the research is done. But where to get spirits? Try deep, dark and abandoned places, preferably places where a major event(s) had taken place (like an old mid-wife’s shack or a forgotten slaughtering house of an old meat farm). The rule of the ‘place’ is that it must have some life or death influences, because spirits feed on these kinds of energies for years.

What’s the ‘true name’ of a strong spirit? Well, don’t ask me, how would I know? But the name is greatly important because it is one of the only real possessions a spirit own in the living world. Try asking the kampung fellas about any old, abandoned buildings or woods so dark, nobody goes in there (preferably in the area where you want to win the elections).

Forget the graveyards, by the way. The world is getting too crowded to stand on and so are graveyards. Besides, jinns prefer dark open crypts.

So you got your spirit/jinn’s spot and its true name. Now, repeat the name in your mind correctly because if you don’t say it right, it might get insulted. Get your equipment ready too. You’ll need at least 5 items; 3 to direct the spirit and 2 to placate the jinn.

It’s like hiring a hitman really, except without the bad-ass guns or movie-type car chases. Pay up the first items up front and show that you got what it takes to pay by enticing with the second item. Oh and don’t forget your sheep buddy. By that, I mean the person wiling to get possessed by a jinn so you can talk to it.

Once you got to the dark and secluded spot, kill off any electronic devices that might interrupt you (cellphones, MP3 players, pagers, etc). Hypnotize your sheep buddy to a state of half-sleep. Then call out the ‘true name’ of the jinn residing in the area.

Heck, be wary. You’re invading his territory and as HSBC TV ads once taught us, it’s you who’s the tourist. Or the bomoh, for that matter.

You know that you’re on the right track when Mr. So-and-so answered back through the mouth of your pal. This is where you address yourself and say your name and tell the jinn what you want; namely the 3 important points (the lack, the aid and the gain).

It’s up to the jinn to say yea or nay to the request. In nay means that you got to pack up and try to look for another jinn (no point going to a reluctant disembodied entity). But if you score a “Yeah, I’ll do it but what’s the pay?”, then you can show the pay. If its unsatisfied, offer to pay with something else after the job is successful.

Then you can plan with the jinn a win of sorts. Show it the 3 items to direct it to the elections’ top persona. Maybe a map to show the location of the voting hall, a personal piece of the opposition and something that represents the general registered voters of the area. Some gravel from the grounds of their public hall - balai rakyat - or shorn hairs from the local barber shop or even (God forbid), some sewage water.

Hey, nobody said this was a clean job.

After you show these items for approval, pay up the first blunt. Money is useless to a jinn (they don’t shop at grocery stores or drive Mazda cars) but foodstuff they like. The most common item is a live chicken slaughtered on the spot. The energies that leaked after the removal of life is an appetizer.

Boil the dead bird until the meat fall right off the bones. Contract signed. This way, the jinn will be enticed to leave you buddy’s body so it can feed into the soup and you can safely wake up the hypnotized guy.

While the soup is still warm, dig a small hole into the ground, a straight hole 6 feet deep if you can. Drop the 3 helpful items into the hole and cover it with the still steaming pot of hot soup. Leave the items and the area.

In the next few days, round up the support and encourage your voters, jut as you planned as any natural candidate. Once you dream of this guy at night...

That means the deed is done.

If you win, returned to the jinn’s hiding spot. Slaughter another chicken and repeat the soup process but this time, pour it into the hole of the hidden items and bury the hole with solid earth. This is your thank you ritual to the spirit.

Then sit back, relax and do the work you’ve been elected to do.

Oh and don’t worry about, ghost, and demons and nightmares plaguing you at night. One of them might even come after your friends/family members but hey, that’s the risk of consorting with spirits. They’re volatile stuff anyway, often unappreciative. And if the opposition hears about it, they can hired the jinn you hired for tricks in blackmail.

Good luck!

Disclaimer: Shadow Pimpernel does not encourage the practise, or even the attempt to practise, any use of black magic. In fact, I HIGHLY DISCOURAGE it. I apologise if I cause any form of hurt or disrespect to anyone as it was not intentional. This entry was completely bogus, the process purely fictional, everything posted solely to entertain and poking fun. And you know how I very much like to tell stories.

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