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Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Suicide Aftermath: The World After You Died

It’s over. This is the end. You haven’t eaten a meal in 24 hours. You would like to enjoy a last meal but full stomach slows the dying process.

You’ve decided how you’re going to die. Maybe a neat cut to the wrist with the kitchen knife, parallel to the blood veins, then sit in the cool bathroom and turn on the faucet so that all the running water can help speed the bleeding.

Painful as hell at first but maybe later it’ll probably feel like falling asleep. Hey, let’s do some irony and play Linkin Park’s Bleed it Out while you’re at it.

Or maybe you got hanging on your might. Let it all be over real quick. Isn’t hanging the way how executed prisoners’ die? Heh. You’re a prisoner all right. A prison you can’t get out unless it’s ethereally.

Let’s just get thing over with it.

It may take a few minutes to a few hours to die, but you died.

You died.

But it’s not the end yet.

Oh, don’t you know? If you have sought help, maybe if you checked online for the after-effects of suicide, maybe you would have thought twice about blowing a bloody hole to your head.

Everything’s always about you isn’t it? Well, let’s not argue on that anymore.

Because you’re dead.

Now we have to clean up your mess. Did you know that you’re leaving a big dead body behind? And it’s not going to move by itself, you’re already gone. Let’s see who is probably going to find you first.

Hm-mmm, your f***ing family perhaps? Your b***hing roommates? They’re probably wondering why you’re missing for so long. There are so many things still left unfinished. Bills and rent needs to be paid. And the car can’t start. Again. Oh and your boss at work called. He said that you’re fired for that ‘sloppy mess of a project’ or whatever else you screwed.

Then there’s your girlfriend, your landlord, your doctor, your lawyer, your university fees and all kinds of miscellany.

As a matter of fact, all the real life you’ve tried to fix, tried to avoid, tried to wade shit-deep in are all looking for you.

But nothing matters anymore anyway. You’re dead after all.
And they all will soon find out.

Oh hey, it’s your little brother, banging on the door. He probably wants to borrow money from you again. Or maybe he finally won something big and wants to celebrate with you. You’ll never know maybe.

But he found you. What do you think he felt first, looking at your lifeless body?

Shocked, yes. Then, he probably laughed. It’s a big joke, isn’t it? He patted your shoulder. He brushed your neck. He slapped your cheek a couple of time. He’s starting to get confused. C’mon that’s really over doing. Just stop holding your breath and wake up. Time to wake up, big brother.

But you don’t wake up.

You couldn’t wake up.

But that was your idea, wasn’t it? Have you ever wondered if you might still feel something after your death. Maybe like in the movies, you get an out of body experience. Will you see the discoverer of your dead body call the emergency number? Oh, there’ll definitely be panic and confusion. More people joined in. They want to do something, anything, to help you.

Haha, now they want to help. Too bad they didn’t try to help you when you were still alive. When you were suffering. But you’re not suffering anymore.

Aren’t you?

The paramedics have arrived. They’re professional. They see dead and dying people all the time. Maybe they can do better what the ones before them couldn’t. Your heart had stopped beating. Your lungs had stopped breathing. Slowly, whatever that’s still functioning in your still healthy body is dying with your soul.

The paramedics have arrived. Guess what they’ll be doing is trying to revive you too, more professionally. Can you still make it? Can you still come back? No, you’re death. But they’re not giving up. Because that’s their job, saving lives. Even if the person doesn’t want to be saved.

Maybe you have a small chance. Hey, you woke up! Well, not literally. The paramedics managed to wake you up a bit. Your heart starts beating. It’s a big irony isn’t it? The spirit is unwilling but the body is strong. Or maybe the devil hadn’t taken your soul yet and you had some second thoughts. Would that be enough to rescue you?

It gave the paramedics hope though. Now they got to get you to the hospital. Fast. Now. Ten minutes ago. Through the whole ambulance trip, the paramedics keep trying to wake you up. In the hospital, the doctors took over your lifeless body. They’re all trying to help you.

You must really enjoy the attention you’re having now. They’re probing and poking at you with needles, tubes and things. Gosh, what a great time you’re having.

But you were pronounced brain-dead.

Now it feels real, doesn’t it?

Oh wait, you con’t feel anything anymore.

But your family could. And they did. All kinds of negative feelings. Look, they’re just outside the emergency room. It’s your mother holding your father’s hand in a death grip. Why are they crying? They usually avoid you and so why are they here?

And your older sister is there too, throwing mean and dirty looks at your little brother. Maybe she’s blaming your little brother for your pain. Oh so now she cares. Where was she when you needed her?

To your family, the doctors explained. Your family exclaimed.

All of a sudden, there’s an empty void in their lives where you used to be.

Sure you did some bad things, worse things and a few better things. Your family hated you. But they loved you first. You were an extension of the family tree. You were a fruit your parents bore. You were the balance between your siblings amongst the branches.

Did you ever think of that?

Bet you should have thought about that. Maybe you did. Maybe you did know that deep down inside they do love you and they would be devastated when you killed yourself. Making the ones who love you suffer guilt for your death, the manner of your untimely death.


Was that your idea? Wouldn’t it have been better if the only ones who truly felt bad about your actions were the ones you really wanted to hurt? Like your boss or your landlord or your girlfriend. Now that you’re gone, your boss would have nobody else to blame or steal ideas from. Your landlord would have nobody else to sleaze money from. And your girlfriend would be all alone.

Or maybe they wouldn’t care. Your boss never liked you anyway. Now he’s burning inscense and muttering scriptures to ward against whatever bad luck your suicide might cause against his business. Your landlord don’t care you you either. Now he can finally get someone with more money. The new tenants don’t have to know about that ‘bad room’.

As for your girlfriend... well, she’s alive. You’re dead. She’s going to have to move on without you. No matter how fond were her memories of you, they aren’t going to help her in anything except reminicing. She still has a future. They all do. The earth turns, the sunrises and all that’s left of you are just memories.

Memories of a sucide victim.

You’re better off being forgotten. And this is how the whole world forgets you. And the world will forget you.

All it takes is time.

Starting with the ones who love you. The stuff that had depressed you and forced you to shut your own eyes permanently had already begun to haunt your family. Oh no, you’re your bills or your personal artefacts. Not the phone numbers in the ledger or the project report in the computer.

It’s your sucide. Your ghost is slowly eroding the lives of everyone around you. Did you know that you’ve left a legacy of despair? Too bad you’re not around to witness it.

Your sister is blaming your brother. She was pissed at you for making all this guilt and misery on her, making a mess of your life and a havoc of your death. All she wants was a perfect, normal life where people died of old age, no matter how bad life turns. No matter how bad life turns, everybody still choose life.

But you didn’t.

Since she can’t be angry with you, she’s blaming your brother. She wants someone to blame. It’s her way of telling herself that she’s got nothing to do with your problems.

Your brother is confused. He feels guilty too and it’s eating him alive. He kept playing questions in his head, the ‘whys’ and ‘what-ifs’. Should have talked to you more, should have read the signs. If you could see him, you would see how weak and meek he looked, sitting there on the floor. He’s just taking in all your sister’s abuse. Taking it, taking it, taking it.

He’s starting to look like when you were at your worst.

What a happy memory you left behind.

What about your parent? The two who knows you since you were very small. You mother was the woman who gave birth to you. Did you want to hurt her? Make her think that all those years of raising you was a waste of time and money?

Would you be surprised to know that instead, she’s trying to think of happier thoughts of you?

She’s a mother. Like all mothers, they have hopes and dreams of their children. Every hug, every sport’s bruises, every exam’s marked answer sheet. She had been happy to have you as her son.

She did. There should be more happy days. Your mother is trying to tell herself that it was all just a bad dream. That you’re still alive and living miserably, but alive. She’s old and tired. She should be sleeping. But she stayed awake, waiting for that phone call you always make on weekends, even if it was just to ask for money.

And how’s Dad? He’s trying to organize your funeral. The extended families had to be notified. Your coffin, your obituary, the religious community. Then there’s the death certificate. Oh and not to mention the police report. Suicides have to be filed in for the police records.

That’s a whole lot of people who will soon know that you’ve killed yourself. It’s an entire circus of grief and shame. Imagine how he would beat away from some overly curious questions. Yes, my son killed himself. Yes, he’s young. No, he wasn’t married, please stop asking.

Looks like the last memories of you in this world are all about your suicide. Your life and your suicide. Your problems and your suicide. Your pain and your suicide.

Is that how you wanted to be remembered? The world may soon forget you, but when they remember to think of you, it will be all about your suicide. And the effects leading to it.

To the end of your short life.

Bad relationship?
Lawsuits maybe?
Health issues?
Mental problems?
Inheritence troubles?
Familial history?

All sorts of speculations. Then they stir their nescafe susu, chew on their roti canai and talk of other things.

So you’re gone. The ones who love you hurt the most. The ones who didn’t care about you goes on to forget you. And being gone, there’s nothing left in the world about you. The longest legacy you’ll ever leave behind is nothing more than a statistic on the National Suicide Registry.

And that’s the end of you.

So before you separate yourself from God and the rest of the world, think very carefully of what kind of legacy you’re leaving behind.

It’s far more than a heavy dead body.

Survivors of Suicide: Healing after a loved one’s suicide.
What Happens to Suicide Cases After Death?
Grief After Suicide
Contemplating Suicide?

Games Review: Astro Avenger 2 by Sahmon Games

If there’s anything I love more than RPG genre games, it’s flying shooter arcades. In fact, it’s the very earliest game arcade game I’ve ever played.

Remember when Windows was still in 95 and there wasn’t any Pinball game, there was this sci-fi jet-fighter game. I totally forgot its name (it was so damn long time ago, bleh!) but some of my fondest memories of visiting my grandmother in Tangjung Malim was playing on my uncle’s PC and shooting the crap out of midget enemy ships on pixelated visual.

After dearest NekWan passed on, I still hadn’t changed. Still love flying shooter arcade.

This gem I found is from Sahmon Games production. Yes, I haven’t heard of the gamehouse, but apparently this game is a sequel from the first one by Divo Games. Yes, I haven’t played that game either, but the reviews of the first games sounded pretty good.

And from the online buzz, second game sounded to be better.

Astro Avenger 2 by Sahmon Games

Rocket-pigs eats your ‘dirty strings.’

The story is short and sweet, little to no characterization, which, despite my stance support for in-depth storyline in games reviews, I really don’t mind it all that much in shooters.

Must be the adrendaline. Gameplay people, it’s the gaaaaaaameplay!!

After the first wave, a new order had risen and human are actively colonizing the distant planets again. Then comes a whole host of alien ships with bigger and badder asses marauding and taking over the human colonies, raping the field and burning the women.

Boy, that is evil.

Awww, look at my babies. They take care of mommy-ship very well.


Short and sweet, not much interesting to me. Other than a background story, there’s no special characters, no dialogue, not even an angry supervisor with a volatile temper, a bad comb-over and spitting half-chewed cigar in a Russian accent. Just your ship, a secret weapon and an alien population of 60 trillion and reducing.

Oooo, really fast reduction, me likes.

Now here’s where it gets interesting. What I usually do with space shooter is keep holding down the left mouse button, stay to bottom of the screen and watch out for the enemies’ laser and the rockets (mostly the rockets).

I call it the ‘drunk flying’ strategy since you flying all over the place. I still do that but with great restraint now.

Your ship is included with the laser’s battery packs that recharge themselves. Continuous firing makes it go really low and that’s really shit when you get in a tight spot with these blue alienships with mean guided missles (I call them Rocket-pigs).

Your currency is plasma, which you use for repairs, upgrades, your own set of rockets and having little baby droids watch your all-360 degress. I can get stronger lasers but I still prefer laser no. 3 aka dirty strings, because it’s so effective.

Awesome. I liked the damage look on the ship as your life stat goes low. The animations’ aren’t superific but they they’re all pretty sexy hot. I buy each rocket class just to see how it blows up (stay away when your nuclear misslles blows though; can cause collateral damage).

The best part is that the screens isn’t slow or choppy and I use a piece of crap that’s only pretending to be a PC. *hehehe!*

Music and Sound:
Nothing superific but I can definitely say that it does not suck. I usually turn off the sounds but I liked how certain little aliens occasionally give this digitize little ‘oww’ after I killed them.

Using the Immortality shield, I turn myself into a hamsterball-cum-wrecking-ball. Too bad it doesn’t last very long.

Big Boss Crap. I knew I shouldn’t have used up the immortality shield so quickly.

My own helpful tips for playing Astro Avenger 2:

- Adjust mouse sentitivity to suit your hand-eye coordination.

- Be mindful of your battery packs. Your laser gun slows down when it gets too low and that’ll be a b***h against the Rocket-pigs.

- Keep upgrading your first and second laser weapon to full potential. Once you get at least new ship No. 3, then use money to upgrade new laser weapons, preferably new laser weapon no. 3. Having new ships before new laser weapons means that your upgraded battery packs won’t run dry too quickly by your shiny new gun.

- Once ship upgraded, keep holding left mouse button while flying at all times. I managed to get best ship inside World 3.

- Forget having babies in the earlier levels. Upgrade your ship past puberty first.

- Stay close to your babies. They tend to wander off. Better not have babies if your favourite strategy is ‘drunk flying’.

- While in earlier levels, sell all your rockets. This way, you get new pack when you kill the first wave of alien ships. However, remember to stock up with at least 15 rockets prior to big boss battle (laser does very little damage).

- When you see the Big Boss, preferably to use laser no. 3 or no. 4 (auto track-and-kill). Keep to sideways of screen. Best applied by getting behind Big Boss, giving you 3 seconds relapse before it literally turns over and upside-down, spitting its shit at you again.

- See Last Boss.
- Last Boss is hell to kill.
- Stock up on shiplives and plasma (money).
- Get lots of plasma; sell lesser rockets leftover.
- Secret Weapon needs Plasma; nothing else can kill Last Boss.
- Kill Last Boss.
- Die Last Boss, die.

PS: Downloads for this game can be found at Reflexive Arcade. If you want the cracked version, ask me nicely.

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