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Thursday, January 17, 2008

Men and their Protuberances

Men have more extensions to their persons than a cluster on a banana tree, metaphorically speaking. And tend to become just as big. Or as tiny. Soft or firm. Really depends on the banana.

The ones with the biggest protuberances (men, not bananas) had the propensity to stick them where it’s not suppose to be, particularly at rush-hour train rides, crowded house parties, prior to project presentations or right behind you during school examinations.

So if a guy pokes you somewhere with... with himself, either accidentally or on purpose, it’s best to identify which part of him he’s using towards you and how to effectively react and dispense accordingly.

As curiosity is my begetting sin, what I’m always wondering is how many are there and where can I find them and what are they used for.

The Nose
The most obvious and most advertised. When a guy won’t stop talking about himself (my bad dates always have something like that), a girl’s gaze tend to waver to the centre of his face. This part comes in all shapes and sizes and hair colour.
A man uses it to...
Smell food. Hold up their spectacles. Apply sunblock lotion. Poke it into women’s business.
A girl uses it...
A girl can lead a guy by the nose if she wants something done. If that doesn’t work, it’s a good place to start hitting in order to knock some sense. Otherwise, I heard it’s a nice place for a kiss.

The Ears
Not always noticed, mainly because it’s hard to find a man who puts them to actual use. Often over-accessorized with pins and studs. Bad haircuts tend to exaggerate this anatomy.
A man uses it to...
Listen only to other guys, especially during a high tension football match or about the results of the match on the day after or the potential outcome of the next football match.
A girl uses it...
To educate him. But since the Y-chromosome enables men to switch off their ears, the movie ‘The Man-Whisperer’ shall never be idealized.

The Tongue
A protuberance with lots of potential, mostly because it’s hot, wet and flexible. Its usage in kissing activities defines the man’s level of expertise. Funny thing is, if he’s too good, he might be a serial boyfriend.
A man uses it to...
To taste food. To kiss. To lick things. To get stuck on icy lamp posts.
A girl uses it...
To let him taste weird foods first. To exercise his tongue muscles. To stop him from licking things. To re-evaluate the relationship.

The Thumbs
God has created man with two of them, in case he misplaces the other. They tend to jab sorely in all the wrong places, especially in crowded LRT trains (at least, I think they’re thumbs).
A man uses it to...
In the early years, sucking. Later in life comes hailing taxis, sending SMS, giving reviews or accidentally hitting it with a hammer. Mostly, it is to excel at Playstation and Xbox games.
A girl uses it...
To beat him at Playstation and Xbox games.

The Big Toes
Most often people don’t take notice but it had been a sticking point in much male demeanor. Particularly when they don’t trim those nails and they walk around in sandals. Eww...
A man uses it to...
Dance badly. To walk very quietly in the dark with shoes in hand. To accidentally trip over something. To stub at a hard object, and then teach little children some four-letter words.
A girl uses it...
By stomping on them very hard makes it a great pervert deterrent; use best in crowded LRT trains.

The Family Jewels
Just as women have humps and lumps, men got... bumps. Specifically, it’s the ones between their thighs. It’s a very sensitive area. Of all the other protuberances, men protects this the most. There are times when I ask myself this; when the flagpole goes up, can a guy still walk naturally in tight pants?
A man uses it to...
One part is done in the bathroom. Two parts is to make babies with. When all 3 parts is used together, it’s to play with (the sad ones play with themselves).
A girl uses it...
You can either make him work really hard in bed or you can use your knee-bone on ‘em. The latter gives immediate results, not necessarily the most favorable course of action (at least, for the man). There are other ways a girl can use them but I’m not running that kind of guide here.

Well, that’s as much as I know. Now, can anybody tell me what else can a guy (and a girl) use his protuberances for? Keep it clean by the way. In the meantime, I am little hungry. I could really go for a banana right about now. A nice long one.

3 Minds bloomed here too...:

kyels said...

I can only think of "those" protuberances. Just kidding! My mind isn't performing up to the usual par. Pardon me.


Satkuru said...

hahaha that was one heck of an entry. i couldn't agree more with your statements :P

can't believe i just said that though i am male but i am always open to criticism :)

Quickening said...

Hehehe, I'm glad both of you guys liked it. As blog writers, we're all more observant of human behaviour. And gender. :P

Two advice of mine on those protuberances, guys.
Keep. Clean.

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