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Friday, February 22, 2008

How to be an Evil Overlord a.k.a Recycled TV Plots

Advice for the Evil Overlord:
1. Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.

2. If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.

3. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted that he'll never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

4. I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.

5. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

Advice for the Hero:
1. If I have a copy of the Evil Overlord's plans and my capture is imminent, I will not send the only copy of those plans away with a cute little sidekick. I will make many copies of the plans and send them away with many cute little sidekicks.

2. If any of my associates mysteriously disappears, and then returns behaving in an uncharacteristic manner, I will immediately presume that their loyalty has been compromised by the Evil Overlord.

3. I will not trust a being with an inordinate number of tentacles.

Advice for the Bad Auxiliary Character
(Evil Overlord's Wicked but Beautiful Daughter):

Daddy's Trusted Lieutenant works for Daddy. If he catches you cavorting with the Hero, he will gleefully take whatever you offer for his silence, and then turn you in anyway.

(Evil Genius) :
1. I will remember that any robot/device/mental power that can be remotely controlled from ten feet can, with sufficient preparation, effort, and/or energy, be remotely controlled from 100 miles or more.

2. I will not experiment on myself.

Advice for the Good Auxiliary Character
(Good Guy's Sidekick):

If I fall in love with the Hero's True Love, I will inform the Hero first, and then the True Love, so that they can help me get over it and find someone else.

(Innocent Bystander):
1. Before going off the beaten path for your vacation, check the police archives, and with the old people who live in the region, taking note of any mysterious deaths or disappearances.

2. Do not attempt to duplicate the means by which the Hero gained his/her powers. You will either fail and die a lingering, agonizing death, or succeed, lose control of your powers, wreck half of the city, and make it necessary for the Hero to kill you to neutralize the threat you pose to everyone else.

Further Evil
(Advice for the Evil Empress):

My personal servants will be professional bodyguards and assassins, but will dress and behave as eunuchs and maidservants. Even if I dismiss my regular guards for a "private audience" with the Hero, these personal servants (just so much furniture after all, right?) will remain in my chambers.

(Miscellaneous Evil Resolution):
I've murdered tens of thousands in cold blood. If I can't ice the sad-eyed puppy too, I don't deserve the job.

Murphy's Laws of Combat:
- A little ignorance can go a long way in the direction of maximum harm.
- If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
- Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
- If you make it too tough for the enemy to get in, you can't get out.
- B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
- The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
- The best tank killer is another tank. Therefore tanks are always fighting each other, and have no time to help the infantry.
- Armored vehicles are bullet magnets.
- Avoid loud noises; there are few silent killers in a combat zone.
- The bursting radius of a grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
- Try to look unimportant. The enemy may be low on ammo.
- As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
- The law of the bayonet says the man with the bullet wins.

0 Minds bloomed here too...:

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